Here we are, about to read the sixth delivery of ‘An Archaic Concept of Me’.
For those who would like to begin at the beginning, Delivery 1 can be found here.
In that initiating delivery we found Aleena and Stuart enjoying a new morning of privilege, waking for breakfast in bed, with water views, figs and all.
As we proceeded into Delivery 2 we backtracked into understanding the story of how the pair came to be in bed together eating figs. We hear the story via the voice of Stuart. We discover he quit his well-paying job because of anxiety and panic attacks, and we perhaps empathise with him as he feels a lack of success in relationship with women.
In Delivery 3 we find out the basis for his life of privilege, being born into a moneyed corporate family. We meet his wealthy uncle, a kind but distant figure. We begin to understand that Stuart is perpetually conflicted in his own decision making.
In Delivery 4 we are privy to more details about a past relationship that left Stuart dissatisfied, and which he was not inclined to continue. We perhaps feel into the pain of his ongoing isolation.
In Delivery 5, as a prelude, we are offered the voice of the author as he reflects on his own story of writing about Stuart and Aleena. He wonders how much of Stuart is in fact reflected out of his own life-journey. As we return to the voice of Stuart we find him taking on some control of his own experience, beginning to attend mindfulness evenings.
And yes, we perhaps sense where the deliveries are heading, for at the first mindfulness evening he meets a young woman who he really wants to get to know.
And now, as promised at the conclusion of Delivery 5, we head towards their first night together. Hang on In There, there may be some explicit adult content coming up.
Delivery 6. Which we may subtitle: “Wait. Feel The shoulder Energy.”
On the third evening of Mindfulness I summonsed up the courage to suggest we see a movie together. I had researched, and found a sensitive love story; hoping that would encourage us into a certain space together.
I had learned her name was Aleena. I liked the sound of it. It conveyed a certain soft rhythm like a stream melting its way down a hill. I wanted to follow that stream. I wanted to lay down in that stream and feel it passing over me. Wanted to drink from that stream. I wondered if other men fall in love so quickly and so totally. And why this total immersion had not ever happened to me before.
We were sitting on the bench next to the water feature, where we had first met. She had been telling me about the way the world bends to accommodate us when we affirm our intentions clearly in the light-filled energy field of our higher mind. I had nodded as if I could find light in my mind. She had turned to me and asked, “Does that make sense to you, Stuart?”
“Somewhat”, I replied.
She grinned. “I can see you have your doubts.”
“It is just that I don’t quite know how to do it yet. I trust our teacher just before when he said ’No need to try, the light will enter you, you do not need to pull it in.’ I trust that, and I trust you, but no matter how hard I don’t try, there is always a sense of trying inside me. Not light. Just trying.”
She looked in my eyes and did not say anything. I had not met anyone before who could just look in my eyes without commentary. I found myself able to look back, although blinking quite a bit. She held my gaze for perhaps 15 seconds like that. Eventually she whispered, “I like you”.
I almost burst out with what I had been rehearsing during the mindfulness session:
“The Regent is showing a preview of ‘All the Love’, on Sunday evening. Would you care to come with me?”
She nodded her head. She smiled. “Yes, Stuart, I would care to come. I do like you.”
We arranged that we would meet in the cinema foyer at 7:45pm. As we agreed on that, she stood, touched me briefly on the shoulder without speaking, and then, like the first evening, she was skipping down the stairs like a kitten. She turned her head briefly at the exit and smiled again.
I waited on the bench. Not wanting to appear as if I was following her. The session facilitator came by and said, “We need to lock up now, see you again next week?”
I replied, “Yes. This mindfulness thing is all very good for me”. He seemed about to want to deliver some further wisdom, but caught himself, and said “Great, see you then.”
Over the next few days I stayed in my rented room, often pacing up and down, nervously. But finally Sunday evening arrived.
I cringed as the bedroom scene filled the giant screen in front of us. Barry with his full moustache and rotund biceps slowly easing Melissa’s singlet top over her head as she sighs in anticipation.
I imagined Aleena sitting beside me thinking, “Now we all know why this guy invited me to come to this movie on this night.”
How embarrassing. But then I felt her hand reaching for mine, and staying. Her hand was warm, and very steady. I thought, “This girl is a goer. She knows what she wants.”
And it came to pass.
The first night with Aleena
We went for a drink after the movie, and as we sat at the bar she again reached her hand into mine. I felt the steadiness of her contact. I felt somehow validated. Welcomed. I wondered if she could feel steadiness in my hand as well. I could feel my own heart. Beating a little faster than usual. I sipped my wine and made conversation. She followed my conversational lead as if she was born to hear and understand me. Sometimes she offered a few pieces of her own life, but she seemed not to want to go into that too much, and continually turned the conversation back to me. I felt all this as something I had been yearning for all my life.
Late in the evening we came back to my room. We sat on the edge of the bed, fully clothed. We were silent. I assumed she was waiting for me to move. I put my arm around her waist; and she did not pull away. I slowly moved my hands up her body to her shoulders. I began to move my hands, ever so slightly, down towards her breasts.
“Wait” she said. I took my hands off her body. Evidently I had made my move too soon.
She silently took my hands in hers and returned them to her shoulders.
“No, stay there, just don’t move forward with your hands or even in your mind. Feel my shoulder energy. Only move after you are sure you can engage and resonate with that energy.”
I tried. To feel that energy. I had no idea how to engage with energy. I could feel my hands uncomfortably resting on her shoulders. And I could feel the slight warmth of her skin but I could not really say I could feel shoulder energy. I opened my eyes.
“I don’t know what that means”, I said. She just laughed and said “I know. I can feel you not feeling it.”
“It feels like you want me to be very slow”, I offered.
The development of sexual abandon
She did not reply, instead she rolled back onto the bed, pulling me with her. “No, I want you to be very connected.” She began to unbutton my shirt, and then unbuckled my belt.
Somehow a few seconds later we found ourselves naked on the bed, with our clothes on the floor.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” I asked. She smiled. “I would not be here if I did not want it. I want you. To take me. I want it now. And I want it connected.”
I thought again, “Well, this girl knows what she wants.”
So I began stroking her arms tenderly, slowly, and – I imagined – mindfully, connectively.
She laughed. “Not like that”. She took my hand and placed it on her breast, holding it closely against her nipple. “Like that”.
I felt her nipple firming and I began to be aroused as I had not experienced for a very long time. She looked into my eyes.
“I assure you that you can move your energy across the entirety of my body including the bits men love so much and you can do that in about 15 minutes and you will enter me still connecting up the energies and I will cum delightfully and you will cum massively and then we will rest and 15 minutes later we will begin again. I assure you of that, … if you really connect your source energy up with mine at every physical touching point we can dance through it all in 15 minutes. And do it again and again, before we fall asleep.
The way you are going though will take us 15 days.”
She laughed again and stroked my chest assuringly. I wanted to ask her if she had experienced that 15 minutes thing and with who, but I backed off, deciding I just did not need to know. Instead I just said “I want to learn how to do that with you”.
“There is no learning, there is only doing” she whispered.
And with that cliché, even I laughed, and I relaxed, and I pulled her towards me, and felt our energies merge, a few moments before our bodies followed into wild abandon.